im almost 25, i have adhd. i cant focus on anything, i mess everything up all the time.
im numb all the time, to the point that im not even aware im numb. im so used to it that it is the default for me.
every time i get instrospective i get suicidal.
i go through life, i dont feel like ive gotten anywhere. i have nothing to show for the effort ive put out. i still rent, i pay out the ass in insurance for 2 sub $1k cars that are in poor shape.
i feel like a akward teenager all the time. i dont feel like im an adult. no one treats me like an adult.
i cant hold down a job, every 6 months i get fired or laid off.
im married to someone, and we fight and argue a lot and it sucks. our personalities are too differnet and it makes us miserable. we have no commonality between us. i end up being too blunt and hurt her feelings constantly.
idk what i was thinking to think that i could be functional enough to be in a long term relationship with another person, when i lack so much self awareness, and empathy...to the point if i wonder if im autistic or a psycopath or some shit.
we had 2 misscarraiges this summer and it sucked.
i quit smoking pot and drinking heavily years ago, and i dont know how because every time i think about it, i feel the need to escape. every day i think about and marvel at how i made it another day that i didnt get blackout the previous night, untill i realize i couldnt afford it anyway.
i struggle with porn, and then i feel horrible horrible guilt and disgust after. i quit it but idk how. its such a struggle.
everything i do is done poorly, everything i do seems to go better when someone else does it.
i hate the goverment, and these hypocrytical monsters destroying everything and making my life harder on a daily basis. fuck trudeau and these stupid pieces of shit finding new ways to fuck everyone over in this stupid country that im stuck in and cant leave.
i just want to disappear and leave it all behind sometimes, but where can i go? its all fucked